Infertility.
Infertile.
Not Fertile.
Barren.
Dry.
Inhospitable environment.
Never in my life did I think I would be described using these words. I don’t know anyone more hospitable than me…except maybe my neighbor. But let’s be honest… I’m super hospitable. I’m welcoming. I’m nurturing. I’m positive. I’m charming and quite funny.
So why doesn’t my uterus agree?
Well, my uterus and I have had an interesting relationship. We’re cool with each other now but it hasn’t always been this way. Until recently, I would describe our relationship as two roommates who occupy the same apartment but who don’t really like one another. They share a common space but the communication and understanding of one another is basically limited to knowing about each others’ bodily functions. Until one day, one of them gets tired of the other’s BS and just to get the other’s attention, they start scratching the walls, throwing spaghetti all over the place, spazzing out at the most inconvenient times and basically going rogue. That was her. And I was left standing there watching this dramatic, over-the-top, pirate of a roommate completely take over my body and leave me in tatters. Dazed and confused, all I could say was “what. the. eff. bro?”
But guess what? All she needed was my attention. She was tired of being rejected and blamed for everything, and tired of holding everyone’s emotional baggage. She was tired of being dragged into toxic environments and relationships that were energetically draining. She was tired. She needed help and support.
And instead of asking the important question (“what do you need?”), I threw drugs (medication) at her and distanced myself from understanding her even more. Crying and wailing at her rebellion, asking myself “Why do you hate me so much?!?” and “What did I ever do to you?!”… It was never her though. She was never the “problem.” Neither was I. But my mind told me that we were both at fault, and I believed it. I bought into my mind’s fear and story that there was something wrong with us and as any brat does, I threw multiple tantrums, crying myself to sleep, talking shit about my uterus to all my friends, and essentially continuing the cycle of negativity. Until one day, I didn’t.
You see, the issue all along was that I was so disconnected from my Self that my body had to step in and become its mouthpiece. My uterus began telling the story of my True Self, while also continuing to operate as her own center of wisdom. She basically was performing multiple jobs and getting zero recognition for all her efforts. In her efforts to grab my attention by way of endometriosis, I eventually realized that she asking me to silence the outside world so that I could tune-in and really pay attention to what my True Self needed: the way to nourish and care for myself; truths about my thoughts and my mindset; truths about outdated belief patterns that were no longer serving me, but that I continued to cling on to out of fear; and how my True Self desired to express Herself in the world.
My uterus is now my dear friend. I’ve grown into myself in a new way, with a deeper understanding of my needs, my truth, my Self, and my boundaries.
This isn’t necessarily a story that ends in “…and then I became pregnant and am no longer infertile.” If you’re attached to traditional happy endings, then this may not be the story for you. Rather, this story is about a journey of a woman who enters into a conscious and spiritual partnership with herself. The “ending” is continuously unfolding – ebbing and flowing as the ocean’s waves on a full moon. The highest highs, the lowest lows and everything in between.
It’s a story and a journey about growing to love and appreciate this body and the Creator of this body as a vessel for love, not just as a vessel for growing another human. But as a vessel for serving humanity, inspiring others to love and appreciate themselves, and to raise the vibration of the collective consciousness by helping people reconnect to their own personal truths.
We cannot raise the vibration of the collective consciousness without intentionally and purposefully raising our own. That means showing up as the truest and best version of ourselves; dropping the facades and defenses, and having real and honest relationships with our own lives. Vibing High means that we consciously choose to operate from a place of love and abundance, even in the face of fear. ESPECIALLY in the face of fear and scarcity.
My uterus and I, we have come a long way. She has become my mirror and my internal guide for what’s working and what isn’t working in my life. I’ve created a life around slowing down, tuning in, asking myself (and her) important questions and most importantly, listening for the answers. I’m learning to first ask her what she needs – and spoiler alert: it’s usually also exactly what I need.
Chandeep Gill (She/Her) is a Canadian-born, British-trained, lifelong servant leader who leads from the heart and soul to make the world around her better for everyone in it. Her commitment to soulful leadership stems from childhood exposure to disciplined reflection, consciousness, and awareness. Having served the public her entire career, Chandeep turbocharged her service by becoming a full-spectrum Mamaglow doula, reiki master, life coach and the curator of her life. After receiving an unfavourable diagnosis from a fertility specialist, she took her accumulated life experiences and epiphanies, and picked up a pen. Today, she puts her reflections, thoughts, heart and spirituality into her writing to process her experience, knowing that her writing will help others process their own journeys.
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