They say you don’t know what you got til it’s gone
Never one who dreamt of having a family but I dreamt of having a home
Wanted more for those around me
Wanted more than I felt I could be
Happy to be the extra support
There to lift you when you felt weak
Yet the one I forgot to support most was me
See my father was a rolling stone
My gramps never stayed
but always knew his way home
My great Granddaddy …
well he broke my great grams heart
I guess I figured it wasn’t meant for me from the start
There was a time I prayed to God for that special love
Then I prayed the test wouldn’t come back true
I wanted you more than anything but had nothing to give you
So I took it as a blessing from up above
I rejoiced in knowing I was free
Free of the trauma that was sure to follow
Free of the responsibility and to live my life
Then I felt the pains and my body ached
I prayed to God asking that my womb he wouldn’t take
It felt like knives and needles slicing through me
As I sat in that chair I was hit with a harsh reality
Said it might not happen but it’s okay there’s other ways
Called my mother as I cried and wailed
Saying this was my fault and there was no remedy
She listened and when my cries subsided
She said baby get on your knees and pray for you’re already healed
I wish I could do it for you but you gone have to fight this one in spirit
So I suited up and I did what I was taught
I prayed day in and day out
but felt God ain’t want to hear it
Then I felt that twinge again
Found a way to be happy…
Though conceived in what I felt was sin
I was up for the challenge
So once again I began to cleanse
I wailed, cried, shouted in anger, and sat in my silence
Went through the motions from joy to violence
Just like that, you were gone before you truly made an impression
Felt it was my fault so I spun into a deep depression
There was nothing to see or to show
I held on to my beliefs and what I know
Here I was again
An empty womb and hanging on a prayer
Feeling like I had rolled back the stone and seen Jesus wasn’t there
I didn’t have time for sorrow
For I knew if I held on…
Joy was coming tomorrow
So I pushed it back down
It began to fester
Pain turned to anger
Anger turned to poison
I never wanted to find death
but found I was always holding my breath
Scared to let it out
Scared to express what I felt
For many had worse cards that they was dealt
So I held it in and wandered further into the darkness
There I met that child I once craved to see
I recognized it because that child was me
As I grew I had turned my womb into a tomb
A burial place for the pain of the women who came before
The ones who walked through that door
The door labeled love but full of loneliness
The door meant to welcome in new beginnings
The door that they shut to their ideal dreams of family
In the darkness, I saw a light and a fire was lit
Heard a voice say “baby get up and go get it.”
“I played my part and followed my heart, you follow yours but be smart.”
She handed me the light and told me to run!
Slow at first then faster I ran
Only to find myself right where I began
On my knees with an empty womb
On my knees with a remnant prayer
On my knees with a fire in my belly
On my knees is where I found my healing
See I laid at the altar and gave God my heart
Once again my soul and body he cleansed
So this is when my life truly starts
Alkaline…
Free from the toxicity
Divine…
Will be the children that grow within me
Isaiah 66:13
Written March 15, 2021.
Shadonna Gordon lives in Long Island, NY, and is currently a doula trainee with Mama Glow. She enjoys spending time with her pit-boxer, Blazé Selenas, cooking/baking, vibing to music, and enjoying nature. She teaches yoga for all, specializing in trauma, prenatal/postnatal, and kids. Loves helping people achieve their goals of mind, body, and soul as an NYS licensed esthetician and healthy lifestyle coach. She is also an aspiring poet with her memoir book, ‘Shadow Dancing: Lessons From My Inner Child,’ coming to Barnes & Noble this June.
Connect with Shadonna on Instagram @donnamite.spiritdoula!
