What is your relationship to the word sexy? Does it make you feel excited? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or anxious? 

Maybe that word never really resonated with you at all, and maybe you were told it shouldn’t anyway. Or maybe that word did resonate with you, but people shamed you for it. Or maybe you were like me and the word sexy made you think of some Victoria’s Secret model who you would “never” compare to…

Take a moment to reflect on what your relationship to the word sexy is, and how it got there…

This is such an important first step for anyone who is trying to connect to their sensual side because when we are talking about what makes us feel the sexiest, we want to make sure that the thoughts/feelings/emotions it evokes are ones of empowerment, -of confidence, -of self love. And if it doesn’t yet, that’s okay! 

For a long time, my relationship with the word sexy was a series of photoshopped images of super models in lingerie and unrealistic sex scenes in movies. I remember buying my first piece of lingerie and crying the first time I put it on because all I could see were the parts of my body that made me different from them. “This was supposed to make me feel sexy,” I thought. I let my relationship with this word be dictated by all these external factors: society, media, expectations, and whether or not I was getting male (or female) attention… 

And then one day, after a heartbreak, my girlfriends did what every good girl gang does after a bad break up: they got me dressed and they got me drunk. Just us girls. They wouldn’t even let a man close to me on the dance floor. It was amazing! Anyone who knows me knows I love to dance, and I literally danced that entire night. I remember catching a glimpse of myself dancing in a mirror on the wall of this club and thinking, “Damn, look at me go! I look so sexy right now!” Mind you, my hair was half-curled half-frizz, my makeup was sweating off, and my skirt/top combo was all bunched and off center, but that did not matter at all. How I looked did not matter at all. How I felt was everything. Even in my tequila haze, I remember this huge ah-ha moment: the key to feeling sexy is feeling confident.

I know what you are thinking: “confidence is sexy” is not exactly a groundbreaking concept. I know… 

But, it was the first time I had ever really felt it. After that night, I finally started to make peace with all the comparisons and unrealistic expectations that had been weighing me down. Did this happen over night? Absolutely not. We are talking hours of journaling, somatic work, and a lot of looking at myself in the mirror saying, “I love this body.” 

So once you identify your connotations around the word sexy, if they aren’t positive or coming from a place of self-love, make peace with that s***! I know this is an easier said than done sort of thing, but at some point you have to start doing the work if you ever want to feel the empowerment that lies on the other side. For some of us, this could mean a kettle of tea and a serious journaling session, for others it could mean a full body somatic shaking practice with a little bit of screaming for good measure, or maybe it means finally talking to someone (best friend, sister, counselor, support group) about an experience that you are still holding onto that is not serving you, but you just can’t seem to release it on your own. Do whatever you have to do to make peace with those stories that are built up in your conditioning because once you do, you will be free to make that word mean whatever you want it to mean!

For me, I feel most sexy when I am in my room with candles lit, dancing to a good R&B playlist. Sometimes in lingerie, other times in sweatpants. Sometimes alone, other times with my partner (if he’s lucky).

So, what makes you feel confident? What makes you feel feminine or empowered? 

What makes you feel sexy?

Your answer could be anything from taking a pole dancing class to shaving your legs for the first time since November. There is no right answer. As long as you feel good about yourself and you step into that situation with confidence and a smile, it is right for you. Whatever you want your sexy practice to be, I encourage you to create some ritual around it! For me, lighting candles in the beginning and saying five affirmations to myself at the end makes my practice feel intentional.

For those of us with a partner, don’t be afraid to share this feeling with them! You feeling sexy should first and foremost be for yourself, but that doesn’t mean it has to be only for your enjoyment. You can choose to let your partner in when it feels right. If it doesn’t feel right, then don’t! There is no shame in wanting to keep your sacred, sexy time to yourself.