The journey to motherhood is often paved with good intentions, but more likely, with infertility.

Or with scares of potential infertility.

With miscarriages.

With hiding new conceptions until after the 3-month mark, “just to be on the safe side.”

With everyone falsely reminding us that the odds are stacked against us simply because we’re over the age of 35.

And just as with every other life lesson we experience, it is life’s way of asking us to consciously choose Love over fear. How will we respond? Beyond the guise of failed IVF attempts, ovulation sticks, and acupuncture treatments, I find myself asking: who am I meant to be on the other side of this experience?

In my opinion, experience, and heart, the journey to motherhood begins well before we first start trying to conceive a child physically. The journey has already started by the time we first cradle and cuddle our baby dolls, soothing their imaginary cries, feeding them their imaginary bottles, changing their imaginary diapers, kissing their plastic cheeks and brushing their yarn hair. We are well on the journey when we express our tiny hearts’ giant capacity to love another being, physical or non-physical; shout out to all of us with pets, toys, siblings, and “imaginary” friends and playmates who accompanied us in the early years of our human experience in this scary world. The journey – and our footing on it – is in the inexplicable desire to love and nurture another with tenderness and selflessness. The desire is deep and its purpose is to be Love, embodied. But when and how does this become a desire? And why?

I believe that the journey to motherhood starts the second we begin to see ourselves as separate from the Divine Mother, and that just maybe, the journey to motherhood is actually the journey back to Her, back to the Truth of ourselves.

The Divine Mother, our creator, is the source of all Life. She has placed a piece of Her Being/Light in each of us and sent us off into this human experience to shine Her light like the little CareBears that we are. But then this thing called Ego joins us for the ride and creates this separation – or technically, the illusion of separation  – from the Divine Mother. As we grow up, we begin to identify more with our ego, the illusion of separation gains strength and we begin to forget our Divine nature. We’ve lost touch with the Divine Mother and the separation from Her is brutal. Do you remember being a child and getting separated from your mom or dad at a giant department store? Do you remember that feeling of fear, longing, sadness, and pain of separation? The desperation of returning back to mom’s arms and feeling her warmth, the safety of her embrace, the tenderness of her kiss, and the way that only SHE could soothe your cries? That’s the separation I’m talking about here.

Whether or not we realize it, this illusion has created lifetimes of suffering which we have numbed by seeking external comforts and pleasures. Now don’t get me wrong…I enjoy a dark chocolate mousse cake as much as the next guy. The subtle sweetness of cocoa and vanilla, the decadence of the silky texture, and the luxuriousness of the experience. Orgasmic, wouldn’t you say?? But just as any orgasm, whatever goes up, must come down. These sensual pleasures are joyful and fulfilling and incredibly powerful at bringing our attention to the present moment, but they are very much temporary and fleeting.

I can’t help but wonder if what we are truly seeking in that pleasure is the sweetness of Truth, the decadence of divine union, the luxurious high of eternal bliss. Attributes and qualities that, when experienced by RE-connecting with the Divine Mother within, become permanent.

So, what if this thing called “infertility” which modern society has deemed as a flaw and has created all kinds of fear around, is actually just the Divine Mother’s way to call us back to Her? To Ourselves?

This process has taught me a thing or two about surrendering to the present moment and letting my ego GO. It has taught me that no amount of forcing, planning, calculating, tracking, and wanting can override the Divine Mother’s Will. For me, this process has required exploring my shadow, loving and accepting the parts of me that I previously rejected, awakening to my soul’s purpose, trusting this body vessel, and silencing the outside world to hear what the Divine Mother whispers to me through my intuition. On the other side of this experience, the skins are shedding and I’m becoming more Me.

Now, I just want to be clear – I’m still very much living in the illusion, like the rest of humanity. But something deep within tells me that this process and my journey with infertility is guiding me Home, to my Self.

And that’s a beautiful thing.

Chandeep Gill (She/Her) is a Canadian-born, British-trained, lifelong servant leader who leads from the heart and soul to make the world around her better for everyone in it. Her commitment to soulful leadership stems from childhood exposure to disciplined reflection, consciousness, and awareness. Having served the public her entire career, Chandeep turbocharged her service by becoming a full-spectrum Mamaglow doula, reiki master, life coach and the curator of her life. After receiving an unfavourable diagnosis from a fertility specialist, she took her accumulated life experiences and epiphanies, and picked up a pen. Today, she puts her reflections, thoughts, heart and spirituality into her writing to process her experience, knowing that her writing will help others process their own journeys.