Fertility, Lifestyle, Spirituality, The Journey

‘Empty Nest:’ A Mama Glow Doula’s Poem on Fertility & Loss

Shadonna Gordon | October 3, 2021

They say you don’t know what you got til it’s gone 

Never one who dreamt of having a family but I dreamt of having a home 

Wanted more for those around me

Wanted more than I felt I could be

Happy to be the extra support 

There to lift you when you felt weak 

Yet the one I forgot to support most was me

 

See my father was a rolling stone 

My gramps never stayed 

but always knew his way home 

My great Granddaddy … 

well he broke my great grams heart 

I guess I figured it wasn’t meant for me from the start

 

There was a time I prayed to God for that special love 

Then I prayed the test wouldn’t come back true 

I wanted you more than anything but had nothing to give you

So I took it as a blessing from up above 

 

I rejoiced in knowing I was free 

Free of the trauma that was sure to follow 

Free of the responsibility and to live my life 

Then I felt the pains and my body ached 

I prayed to God asking that my womb he wouldn’t take 

 

It felt like knives and needles slicing through me 

As I sat in that chair I was hit with a harsh reality 

Said it might not happen but it’s okay there’s other ways

Called my mother as I cried and wailed 

Saying this was my fault and there was no remedy 

 

She listened and when my cries subsided 

She said baby get on your knees and pray for you’re already healed 

I wish I could do it for you but you gone have to fight this one in spirit 

So I suited up and I did what I was taught 

I prayed day in and day out

 but felt God ain’t want to hear it 

 

Then I felt that twinge again 

Found a way to be happy…

Though conceived in what I felt was sin

I was up for the challenge 

So once again I began to cleanse 

 

I wailed, cried, shouted in anger, and sat in my silence 

Went through the motions from joy to violence 

Just like that, you were gone before you truly made an impression 

Felt it was my fault so I spun into a deep depression 

There was nothing to see or to show 

I held on to my beliefs and what I know 

 

Here I was again

An empty womb and hanging on a prayer

Feeling like I had rolled back the stone and seen Jesus wasn’t there 

I didn’t have time for sorrow 

For I knew if I held on…

Joy was coming tomorrow

 

So I pushed it back down 

It began to fester 

Pain turned to anger

Anger turned to poison 

I never wanted to find death 

but found I was always holding my breath 

Scared to let it out

Scared to express what I felt 

For many had worse cards that they was dealt 

 

So I held it in and wandered further into the darkness 

There I met that child I once craved to see

I recognized it because that child was me 

As I grew I had turned my womb into a tomb 

A burial place for the pain of the women who came before

The ones who walked through that door 

The door labeled love but full of loneliness 

The door meant to welcome in new beginnings 

The door that they shut to their ideal dreams of family 

 

In the darkness, I saw a light and a fire was lit 

Heard a voice say “baby get up and go get it.” 

“I played my part and followed my heart, you follow yours but be smart.” 

She handed me the light and told me to run! 

Slow at first then faster I ran 

Only to find myself right where I began 

 

On my knees with an empty womb

On my knees with a remnant prayer 

On my knees with a fire in my belly 

On my knees is where I found my healing 

See I laid at the altar and gave God my heart 

Once again my soul and body he cleansed 

 

So this is when my life truly starts 

Alkaline… 

Free from the toxicity 

Divine… 

Will be the children that grow within me

 

Isaiah 66:13

Written March 15, 2021.


Shadonna Gordon lives in Long Island, NY, and is currently a doula trainee with Mama Glow. She enjoys spending time with her pit-boxer, Blazé Selenas, cooking/baking, vibing to music, and enjoying nature. She teaches yoga for all, specializing in trauma, prenatal/postnatal, and kids. Loves helping people achieve their goals of mind, body, and soul as an NYS licensed esthetician and healthy lifestyle coach. She is also an aspiring poet with her memoir book, ‘Shadow Dancing: Lessons From My Inner Child,’ coming to Barnes & Noble this June.

Connect with Shadonna on Instagram @donnamite.spiritdoula!

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